To be called a girl

There is nothing that quite irks me more than being called a "girl" in a context where "woman" would be just as, if not more, appropriate. The word seems so simple and harmless, but in my experience, it is often coopted as an insult or an (ignorant) patronization. Allow me to rant and to expand the list of "things you're not allowed to say anymore these days".

The Dutch meisje

But first, a quick linguistic sidebar. Because where the word in English mostly annoys me, the Dutch variant tends to truly make my skin crawl. It's to do with the grammatical fabric that is a quite unique feature of our language. Namely: the presence of the diminutive (verkleinwoord), which are suffixes that can be added to the end of a noun or an adjective to signify the object to be smaller or cuter. It can be used for terms of endearment, like schatje (little sweetheart/little treasure) or for pet names, but it can also be used to patronize something or someone. It's not always done with intention, but someone might for example ask you how it's going with your projectje (little project) when you're writing a book, or they'll say you're starting a bedrijfje (little company) when it's your fulltime freelance job. These two letters can take some of the weight and achievement out of the word; it makes it sound more banal, unserious.

The literal translation of the Dutch meisje, as you may now be able to guess, is "little girl". In my experience, this is the main word used to refer to girls - and sometimes women - of all ages. There's a non-diminutive counterpart: meid. But it's rarely used. For boys however, this is different. We say jongetje for a young boy, and jongen for a teen, more or less. They get upgraded at some point, while we lag behind. Isn't that something?

I am woman hear me roar

At some point during my teens I started to wonder when one would be bestowed the title of 'woman'. What marks the transition? Your first menstrual cycle? I always found that a bit weird. Like you're a woman solely because your reproductive organs have ripened. I am my uterus and my uterus is me, I suppose. Or would age be a better marker? Once you're 18, surely you'll have made the passage. But no, there I was, a legal adult, wondering why that descriptor didn't feel right for me. Neither did 'girl' anymore at that point. I was in limbo. To quote the great Britney Spears: "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman". I spent a good few months in that liminality, until I realized that I could just stop contemplating whether I 'deserved' to call myself a woman, and rather just do it. I wanted to be part of the club. And so I initiated myself. From that point on I started referring to myself as a woman, and became more conscious of how I addressed other women my age, making note not to infantilize them. Because, I figured, do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

The older I get - and the more the label 'woman' feels natural to me - the more I resent being called a girl, by men in particular. Because I started to notice that it was often used not as a term of endearment, but as a subtle reminder of my smallness, inferiority, whatever you want to call it. It has an air of "stay in your lane" and "know your place". And if there is anything that unleashes my inherent stubbornness, it would be those sentiments. There's a visceral reaction that takes place when I am addressed as meisje. My heart sinks to my stomach. My jaw tenses into a begrudging smile. Do I say something? No. Unfortunately. Maybe I should. Because I genuinely believe that a lot of men are not aware that their chosen words come across as belittling. It's just, when you're a woman, you see it so often. Female politicians being addressed by their first name and males by their last. Female pilots being confused for flight attendants. Or doctors for nurses. Still so stuck in who is supposed to be in what lane. Who is to be taken seriously.

When I am put into the category of "girl" by someone else's measure, I feel instantly dismissed. Like my opinions weigh less because I am "just a girl" -- how often have we heard that be used as an insult? Like I am seen of less of a person. Almost like the person who categorizes me this way forgets that I also pay my taxes, work, sustain myself independently, and have the same voting rights as he does. I'm sure that's not running through his head. It's running through mine, though.

But then again... I am also "just a girl"

...standing in front of a boy. And there are many scenarios where I enjoy being referred to as a girl, and will refer to myself as such, too. Because the term also evokes a sense of freedom, a nostalgia for a simpler time even. Girlhood feels like frolicking in a field of daisies with a breeze and the afternoon sun. It feels like giggling at 3AM during a sleepover, braiding each other's hair, laughing together until it hurts, crying together until it doesn't anymore. It's hyping up your friend when she finally finds a pair of jeans that fits her well. Sending long voice notes - podcasts - back and forth, rambling about the most mundane or insane things. Those are feelings I really enjoy, all attached to that contested word.

You can see my inner turmoil. It's complicated. I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that I hope people reflect on the message they're sending with the way they address women. Is it coming from a place of admiration and safety? Or from a place of perhaps unconscious animosity?